Is Dan Brown god?
Yes he is!
First I need to clarify something. Dan is not the Christian god, but God as “the ultimate being”.
My explanation:
First, we have to go back in time to the Big Bang. that would be about 13 to 14 billion years ago, right?
Well obviously, this was Dan’s doing. I don’t know how he did it, but I know he did.
So, the Big Bang happened, and Dan was like “Okay, that’s pretty sweet, I’ll leave it at that and see what happens”. As we all know, planets and stars started to form after a while, grouping together in systems, blahblahblah..
About 8 billion years went by and Dan was happy watching this progress. But suddenly he started to feel bored. This wasn’t entertaining anymore! Just watching stupid planets go by and make freaking systems gets kind of boring after 8 billion years you know..
So he though to himself: “What can I do to make this more interesting?” He thought long and hard and after a reasonable amount of time, he came up with the answer:
“I’ll make a special planet! It’ll have some sort of coat-like thing around it to protect it from the brutality of space. Then I’ll make sure living things can grow and exist there! That’ll be freaking epic!
No Shirt!
He started rubbing his feet with smelly oils and the remains of those oils formed the earth. Then he washed his hair with Herbal Essences shampoo and the bubbles formed the atmosphere.
*poof*
Earth existed.
Now at first the conditions weren’t what we’d call great. Loads of lava and other bad weather conditions for living creatures to develop in. So Dan waited for a while and let it calm down. After it started to rain a lot and the seas started forming, Dan decided the time was there.
He plunged his massive big toe in the seas and by doing that, dirt of his toe washed off and formed the first forms of life. These forms started to develop and, well we all know the story, started to evolve into other forms, going onto land, into the skies,…
But Dan saw that something was missing. A dominant species. That would be fun!
So, he took a monkey, altered a slight bit of DNA and BAM
Hoomans were born!
These humans started spreading, dominating as much of nature as they could. These were the hunters/collectors, our ancestors.
But SHIRT these guys had awesome lives! Short, but awesome. They got to fight with huge things and walk around nekid and stuff. Fun times!
This was great for Dan, really entertaining!
But, as we all know, even awesome fights with mammoths and sable-tooth tigers get kind of boring, so Dan decided to make life miserable for this specie known as hoomans. How, you ask? Well, he told them
“HEY IF YOUZ SETTLE DAWN, LIFE WILL BE BETTR NO SHIRT!!”
and they were like
“HOLY CRAB, WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THAT? THANKS DAN!!”
and he went like
“np, cu”
and they went like
“kthxbye” and started settling down.
Now I know most of you will have been told that settling down was a good thing for hoomanity, but I digress!
While settling down was great for the technological devolopement of our species, it had some serious downsides and when you compare the positive to the negative, we had no other reason for settling down than Dan (how sadist of him!) telling us to.
Advantages of settling down:
-Moar foodz!
-Moar productivity
-Moar hoomans
-Moar different cultures
-Better standards of living
(note, all long term advantages)
Advantages of nomad life:
-No social repression
-Sexual equality
-No despotism
-None of the thousands of deadly infectious diseases sedentary life brought with it
-More variety in diet
-More spare time (hunter-collectors needed about 15 to 20 hours to feed their families for a week, while sedentary lifestyle skyrocketed that to approx 50 hours/week)
-More proteins in diet
-Less danger for hunger or low food reserves (due to the high mobility and varied diet)
-Less contact with animals => less danger for parasites
-They were taller => more handsome (sorry all you shorties)
-They had less injuries/person
-Lifespan is longer than lifespan of the people who started settling first
After reading this everyone would agree that there was no logical reason for people to start being sedentary, so it had to be by Dan’s command.
There, we got that cleared out.
Years and years passed, and Dan was happy again. The sedentary people started wars and fighting, and that was pretty EPIC to see. But eventually there came a point where even that was boring.
And Dan was stuck. He didn’t know what to do next.
He spent years thinking and thinking, until suddenly..
SHAPOW
He had it. The most entertaining idea ever!
R
E
L
I
G
I
O
N
BEST. IDEA. EVAR.
Dan started off very seriously, creating intellectual, well funded religions such as the Egyptian’s sun-based religion, Buddhism, Hinduism, Greek and Roman Religion,…
He did this by disguising himself as a human and starting to spread a certain belief. Therefore, Dan is also the first Buddha, Gautama Buddha (aka Prince Siddharta Gautama).
And while this was interesting, it wasn’t really as funny as he imagined it. So he thought of something more irrational, less serious. So he started Judaism. Now I’m not saying Judaism is a joke, but it is hella funny!
Dan disguised himself as some guy named Mozes and started gathering followers. He told them “God” (something he made up) told him they were chosen and they had to go to the “promised land”. Yeah right..
He lead them across the dessert and played some practical jokes (“Hey guys, God just told me these ten things are really important, I’ll chop em out on these big rocks and you guys can carry em through the dessert”) and illusions (they spent 40 years there due to his deceptive skills!! LOLOL).
So Dan could sit and watch for some more years, and he had fun, believe you me!
Suddenly he thought “wouldn’t it be fun if I went there, told everyone I was this “God” dude’s son and do some cool tricks n shirt?”
So yeah, that’s what he did. So that’s Jesus we’re talking about obviously.
Apparently people liked him and followed him, so Dan was like
“Okay, that’s cool, I’ll start a new religion, but this time I’ll make sure it’s one that wants everyone to think the way they do. Seems cool, rite?”
And like that Christianity began. It was HI-LA-RI-MOUSE!! Dan loled and rofled and lmaoed to no end.
But then he was like
“But wait! It gets better! If you create another religion similar to this wan, with slight differences, but equally thinking they are the only correct ones, you’ll get double fun!”
So that’s why he then disguised as Mohamed and created the Islam. That went better than expected! They even started fighting over the “Holy Land” he introduced thousands of years earlier! EPIC WIN ANYONE?
Hell yeah.
(Dan is a sadist!)
So this went on for a bit longer, as Dan was slightly tired. But after a couple of hundreds of years, his infinite mind started bathing in genius again. This time he would do two things:
1) Create the funniest religion EVER TO BE SEEN IN THIS EXISTANCE
2) Create something awesome, inspiring and actually good for the planet Earth.
To achieve the first, he disguised himself as L. Ron Hubbard and created Scientology, the best joke of the century. TOTAL WINRAR
For the second objective, he had to be a little bit more serious and therefore decided to make a miniature version of himself. The Dan Brown we all know and admire today.
Of course what he created was the PogoTribe and it’s residence, The South Pole of the Moon.
There you go, Dan Brown is God and we are the Pogotribe on the SPOTM. Be prepared for awesome to come.
